Reflections

Almost a week has passed since our appointment in Syracuse and our amniocentesis. That means that they could call any day with results.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago that our baby boy was born with curly, light hair, a tiny, beautiful face, perfect miniature hands, fingers, feet, and toes, and a rather unsightly omphalocele. In my dream, they repaired the O and I had him in my arms within hours after birth. And he was fine.

Every time I think about getting the results back, my heart just drops right out of my chest and into the pit of my stomach. I feel heat rising up through my body and filling my head until it presses outwardly on my skull. I get nauseous and dizzy. But that being said, it is getting easier to deal with all of this. The more time I have to think about all of the different scenarios, all of the various outcomes, the consequences - the more comfortable I become with it all. I know it sounds crazy.

My greatest fear is that the results are inconclusive, which could happen. It's amazing how we never want to hear bad news and yet in these circumstances, we'll take bad news over no news at all. This is why I hated my Medieval Philosophy course in college. Trying to figure out the truth from a list of unknowns was frustrating, agonizing.

So today is another day. It's sunny and warm. I will get outside (at some point) and enjoy it while it lasts.